What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 13:22
I was seconnd youngest,
What did i know ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Homophobia is clearly a harmful mental sickness. What can LGBT people do to cure it?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My family never makes their pension either.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why is Tiananmen Square censored?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Would this be the day?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Are LGBT people accepted in Japan?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was 9 years of age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
When Kundalini is awakened accidentally, what can be done?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it wasn’t much.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Ive learnt so much.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I said to her
Put me off passion for life!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We all went to grammer schools
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She married twice! .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I think the readers, may guess!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
I waited trembling.
This is soul school!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were not on the streets..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Comes on , in middle age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So whats the point in blame.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
I write beautiful poetry .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was scared of men, in general
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I could never make a relationship work though!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I will be 64.
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It was going to be , some day.
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I have no regrets .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One cannot live in the past .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He knew the spot.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
All the time i was locked up.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.